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Offline It’s still me

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A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« on: January 20, 2018, 03:36:50 PM »
I was reading some stuff, like I always do, and found this article.
https://www.xojane.com/sex/the-kink-community-is-being-overrun-by-privileged-conservatives

Basically, straight white males ruin everything. I won’t say I disagree because from what I d seen on YouTube, i see it plain as day that MRA, MGTOwS and others would jump on this opportunity.

But is this all a non factor because this is basically the point?

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #1 on: January 20, 2018, 03:50:33 PM »
Interesting read. I don't think the point was actually presented properly (or at least what I think the point is), but I do sorta agree. You're not counter-culture if you're just doing normal stuff. It has nothing to do with masculinity or femininity, I don't think. The more pressing issue would be that people are labeling things as BDSM when they're not.

IMO, you can do whatever you want with consenting partners (so long as you actually understand what consent is). But, here's the kicker: just because it's kinky doesn't mean it's BDSM. BDSM is about a consensual, and often contractual power exchange. There's a lot of work that goes into creating a safe space for these dynamics to happen. Totally vanilla and non-power dynamic couples can have sex with leather and handcuffs. Anyone can. What makes something more traditionally identifiable as BDSM isn't "deviation".

Also for the love of the gods, can people please learn what consent and aftercare are? Because those are not optional, even in non-BDSM settings. On that note, can people also maybe stop romanticizing abuse and manipulation--because those definitely are not safe, and they are not BDSM either.
"It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure."--Marquis de Sade
But yes hello I am the freakier freak than you.

Offline It’s still me

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #2 on: January 20, 2018, 04:05:29 PM »
So she went full Libtard?

I think this article was just a rant. Ironically, a call to exclude from a community that is inclusive.

What is aftercare? Is it like in BDSM porn where they talk for a bit after the scene to show everything was okay and not rape?
« Last Edit: January 20, 2018, 04:09:59 PM by Forlorn Serpent »

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #3 on: January 20, 2018, 04:10:16 PM »
I mean it's an inclusive community, but there are still some basic qualifiers to be in or out of a community, otherwise that community wouldn't really exist. The reality of an "other" and all that blah blah.

That's a general idea of a part of aftercare, yeah. I mean, there's a lot more about emotional support and helping keep up a safe space for the everyone to come back to reality without a weird whiplash thing happening. Can confirm that subspace and domspace are real things. I may have experienced both in my time. Think like, "The scene is over. Time to come down off the high and start building back up the walls that make us act like normies."
"It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure."--Marquis de Sade
But yes hello I am the freakier freak than you.

Offline TinTin

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #4 on: October 31, 2018, 10:11:59 PM »
I think maybe people has become confused about what BDSM is because many learn about it through porn. In most of those movies story goes a person goes into submission by a total stranger guy/women who become the dominatrix or master. I don't think it might work like that in real life. Probably end up as a rape.

I think even in BDSM you can't become a willing submissive person unless you have some feelings for that dominatrix /  master.  Just like rape fantasies. There are girls who likes to try that but with someone they know. They wouldn't enjoy getting raped in real.

So I can ask  @MahluaandMilk since she probably has experience about this more than any of us. Does real life BDSM need love or feelings ? Can it happen without these with a total stranger ?

Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2018, 03:11:29 PM »
I mean, I now casually dominate at least three friends of mine semi-regularly. I don't harbor any romantic feelings towards them, and I highly doubt they're interested in me. It is possible to be sexually attracted to someone and not romantically so. If by feelings, you mean "sexual attraction", I'd say it definitely helps, but it's not exactly a requirement.

I've come to the realization that I rarely feel romantic attraction, but I've started to figure out the difference. The one person I'm romantically attracted to...I don't spend much of my time thinking about sex. Instead, my "fantasies" are more of what it would be like to live with her, how I would support her if she wasn't feeling well, etc., and the "urges" I get are more in the realm of wanting to rest my head on her shoulder or just hang out, eat junk food, watch her play video games, and gently rub her shoulders when she inevitably gets mad and calls the game, its developer, and the save feature all bullshit. It's worth noting here that we dated very briefly a few years ago, but nothing ever came of it. I've never been in bed with her. These feelings are all "organic", if you will.

I'm not cute. Fight me.

But with the three friends of mine, it's very much "I want to rip your clothes off and make you scream". From what I understand from their side of things, one of them has a lot of kinks and fetishes that they can't really get attention for anywhere else, one of them gets lonely and horny when her boyfriend isn't around enough, and the last one...well, she's not interested in dating anybody until she's financially stable, but she will go to conventions and have one night stands all the time.

I'm not sure I understand why you think romance has to be involved in sex. Maybe you're just one of those people who develops romantic attachments if you have sex with a person and you're projecting it on to everyone else. Or maybe you just have a really, really hard time trusting others, so the idea of trust coming so easily to other people scares you. I dunno. But that's not true of everyone. Some people, yes. But far, far from everyone.

What is required is a certain level of trust and a clear setting of boundaries. The trust doesn't have to come from romance. Trust can come from anywhere. But as long as the boundaries are set and there is trust enough that neither party will allow those boundaries to be crossed, BDSM scenes can happen, regardless of "romantic" or "sexual" intent. (In fact, there are some instances of people who participate in BDSM scenes for nonsexual and nonromantic reasons. There are also aromantic and asexual BDSM power exchanges or relationships.)

Because of all that, I think your analogy to "rape fantasies" is misplaced. BDSM is real, so to say that people (not just women, mind you) who like to enact pseudo-rape are similar in that they don't want "real" rape is kind of...dumb? Like, first of all, pseudo-rape and rape fantasies are not at all comparable to rape. Rape is not the "real" version of those fantasies. That's a whole nother monster and I'm not sure I have the right amount of experience to be able to properly explain it, but don't let their nomenclature fool you. In those kinds of scenes, there are still boundaries and safe words. It's not much to do with rape proper as it is the performance of it. That's about as much as I think I can explain clearly.

To put it concisely: psuedo-rape is not "fake rape" proper, but is its own real, individualized thing. It is similar to an idea of what its name suggests, but because of how the intentions are different, it cannot be put in even a remotely similar category as legitimate rape.

Now, to apply that to BDSM, let's first remember that the power exchange is real inasmuch as the scene is played out. What people get wrong is that doms don't take the power--subs give it. It is often said that subs are the ones who actually have the power in a BDSM setting. That's also why porn is usually outright incorrect and I hate it. With that in mind, let's remember that psuedo-rape and BDSM are their own real things with no outside parallel. They are the "in real life" events.

As for whether or not it can happen with total strangers...sometimes it does! There are BDSM dungeon meetups, and, to my knowledge, doms and subs play freely there, sometimes just after meeting. Of course there are the general SSC and RACK groundrules and plenty of safety measures in place, but on the whole, yeah, it can't be denied that it's a thing that happens.
« Last Edit: November 01, 2018, 04:47:30 PM by MahluaandMilk »
"It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure."--Marquis de Sade
But yes hello I am the freakier freak than you.

Offline TinTin

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #6 on: November 01, 2018, 11:52:34 PM »
Maybe I feel it like coz I have only done these with those who have some sort of feelings for me. Some are more like friends with benefits but even them I think had at least little bit of feels for me (now that reminds me another topic to start).

I don't know if those rape fantasies has anything even remotely similar to real rape situations. I thought are more like rough sex. I can imagine anyone would enjoy real rape in whatever the way. If it's psuedo-rape then I don't think you can call it rape. You might resist but you know what you are getting into and you want it.

Well true I guess you can have BDSM experience with a stranger. Still if it happen as a pre arrange event then you know what you are getting into before you go. So I guess its not same as what I meant to say.



Offline MahluaandMilk

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Re: A hidden problem in the BDSM community?
« Reply #7 on: November 01, 2018, 11:58:03 PM »
If what you mean to say is that it doesn't surprise pop up and just happen with no planning or preconception, then that would be much more correct. But, in dungeon scenarios, you can still play with someone who you've never met before.
"It is always by way of pain one arrives at pleasure."--Marquis de Sade
But yes hello I am the freakier freak than you.